You are not alone

I have consumed so much information about babies, their digestive systems and conditions pertaining to it that I am becoming overwhelmed by it all. There's so much to take in and my baby has so many symptoms that when I think I've reached the solution a spanner is thrown in the works and I'm left exhausted, confused and clueless again. I have one goal, and that is to find the solution to ease my babies pain, to make him happy, healthy and independent. My gut feeling tells me that he can get better. I spend my waking and sleeping hours trying to find out how.
After an emotional day last week I was told 'This is it, Jen, there isn't a solution you've got to live with it'.
I spent the boys nap time that day in earnest prayer. I wanted to know if I really was wasting my time. Had I been going down the wrong path this whole time? I read a general conference talk, which I can't find or remember now, but at that moment it was perfect. The speaker said whatever is important to me is important to Heavenly Father. I will know what is right and I have to stand up for it. My prayers will be answered.
The next talk I came across was the privilege of prayer by J Devn Cornish http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-privilege-of-prayer?lang=eng
Again, the message was repeated, what is important to me is important to Heavenly Father. I need to pray and my prayers will be answered. My job is to accept the guidance and recognise how my prayers are being answered.
I have felt immense comfort this week, knowing that when I felt alone in my quest I am not alone. I need to fine tune my abilities to recognise the promptings of the spirit to help me sift through the information I receive to try and find the help my poor baby needs.
This journey is painful, exhausting and relentless, but I need to remember that I am not alone. What a comfort!

Time will tell ..

I have spent months researching, praying, crying, despairing and wearing myself down to such a point that one small step down and I've reached rock bottom. It's a scary place to be, and at times I have panicked. I believe the solution that will head me in the direction away from rock bottom lies with getting myself and my baby better. I know I can handle the other things if I gain energy to make my body work. It really is a scary place when you feel your body shutting down and there are little people relying on you for their care and you don't know if you will be able to physically give them the care you need!

An angel came up to me two weeks ago and said she wanted to help me. I am at a stage that I am willing to accept whatever help is offered so I accepted her offer gratefully. This angel has been in a very similar situation to me and she is out the other side. She has health, she has energy, she is happy. She told me the solution to her problems was to change the foods she was eating. She likened it to putting the right fuel in a car. We spent the day at her house where she showed me lots of ways to make healthy, delicious food. She told me what foods were good for my body, she told me why the foods I have been eating were harmful to me. And it made sense! I love my food, I have begrudged my previous diets for denying me of scrummy foods. But this time it's different, it feels right, it feels healthy, it feels like my body is asking for it. That's not to say I won't begrudge it tomorrow and that I won't find it difficult, but it does make sense!
Will it work? Only time will tell. Is this the solution to my problems? I don't know, but I am willing to try it because it feels right.
What does it entail? No gluten, no dairy, no sugar, meat sparingly, no potatoes or tomatoes during the detox, but then all fruits, vegetables, raw chocolate, and other superfoods. Basically, it's getting back to basics! It's getting rid of all the foods that have been refined, modified etc for our modern day diets and eating food as it was meant to be eaten.
For a condition that is caused by a build up of toxins in the body, doesn't it make sense to remove the toxins? As for my baby, I hope it will help him too. Since Christmas I have been adamant that I don't want him on the medicines as they didn't work and as I learnt more about his condition and intolerances I have felt that we needed to help him by diet. By knowing what foods can help heal his gut as well as avoiding the foods that irritate his gut. This makes sense to me. But again, only time will tell if this is the way forward.
Watch this space!

A precious moment

I lay in bed last night with two very poorly boys finally asleep next to me. My body was very heavy and tingled with pain and I knew it was unlikely that I'd get the rest I needed to recover. As per usual when trying to get to sleep my thoughts wandered. In 8 months I have sacrificed all my time, my health, my sleep .. And oft times, my sanity to my children. I have turned down nights out and day trips to conserve energy so I can look after my boys. Time to myself used to be a necessity, but now it's a luxury that I doubt I'll be able to enjoy for some time yet.
There have been moments when I have begrudged my boys this time, but last night wasn't one of them. Maybe it was because I had my eldest with me and that is a very rare occurrence at night time, but it enabled me to see that this time I have with them won't last forever. Already my two year old is becoming more and more independent. It brings me a lot of happiness seeing him wave me good bye as he heads off to nursery without me. It doesn't seem two minutes since he was at the stage my eight month old is now, where he cries if he can't see me, and now I'm uncool when he's with his friends. One day they'll serve missions, go off to university, get married and have their own kids. Thinking that one day they won't need me anymore I gave them both a sleepy kiss and cuddle, and felt grateful they needed me then.