That best portion of a man’s life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. William Wordsworth.
As a family we’re adjusting to my relapse quite well. I guess it’s easier to adjust to somewhere you’ve been before. It wasn’t so easy the first time around. My two little boys have been a great help. They’re too young to know that mummy is poorly and that helps me to keep my mind off feeling poorly.
It’s not easy being a mum of two very young kids whilst being this bad with ME / chronic fatigue syndrome. But they are certainly worth it. There is nothing more healing than a cuddle from two chubby arms and a kiss from a dribbly open mouth. Nothing brightens the soul more than hearing ‘wuv you too mummy’.
Being married with kids feels a far cry from when I was bedbound, unable to sit up and told there was no cure. I wondered if that truly was it for me. I was in my mid twenties, still living at home and although I had a boyfriend, when he proposed I couldn’t help but wonder ‘what could I offer?’ My now husband and family helped me see that it wasn’t what I did that mattered, but who I was.
Then when we took the leap of faith to start our family I worried how I could care for my kids when I needed so much help myself. With a good support network (husband and parents), I see once again that it’s not about all I do for my children but how much love, patience and happiness I show them. A childhood friend came round last month and as we talked she said she found it remarkable the closeness of the relationship I have with my children that she was able to see as she visited us. It was a lovely compliment to hear and one I remember if I ever start to feel guilty that I’m not the kind of mum I see on pinterest!
I realise more and more the longer I have ME / chronic fatigue syndrome that I am much more than what I am able to do. My self worth comes from who I am as a person rather than what I accomplish. This kind of self worth can’t be shaken as easily as one based on outward accomplishments. This kind sustains me through being bedbound or housebound when a good day isn’t measured by any to do lists being checked off or physical goals accomplished, but rather mental victories of happiness over sadness, positivity over negativity, softness and calm over anger.