courtesy of 3poppies photography

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Bad foodaholic

I really love bad food. By bad food I mean the food that tastes the best and requires little to no effort to prepare and I particularly love the sweet bad food. The problem I have is that I believe it is bad food. I believe we are what we eat and that these kinds of food are bad for my mental and physical health. And so I face an inner battle between loving these foods, but knowing they are not good for me. I don't think these foods are bad for an occasional treat if you are well and healthy, but we are far from well and healthy.
I just can't get the motivation or will power to eat as well as I should. I stick to a restricted diet because if I didn't I would cause my son pain, but apart from withholding the foods he's intolerant to I eat pretty badly.
I have been pondering over why I find it so hard to eat as healthy as I need to, despite believing absolutely that it's right. It's come down to these reasons:
1) My mind set. Right now I look on a healthy diet as restrictive and I long for the day I can eat cake, pizza, chocolate and burgers again. If we were healthy now I would eat these things everyday, my mindset is still the same as it ever has been.
2) The effort. Eating healthily requires forward planning, researching, lots of preparation and practise in making all these completely new dishes. I have barely enough energy to look after myself and the two boys, let alone planning and preparing meals that I know nothing about.
Which leads me onto the final reason
3) Lack of knowledge. I have no idea about what foods do and what they are good for. There is so much to learn about each food that I have found through my research for baby, and the hours I have spent has shown me that there is far too much for my poor baby/CFS brain to take in.

I have eaten some lovely healthy foods, I have been shown that it can be easy if you know how, I have even been given a kick start. However, in order for me to be successful then all three reasons need to be changed. I'm hoping that recognising my failings will enable me to know what I'm working with to make the necessary changes.
Why oh why does bad food have to taste so good!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Trials: time to give it up

I'm on a journey to get my baby better. I'm following a path, except I can't see which way to go, I'm being guided. Some parts of my journey have been straight forward and I've been able to see clearly the route I was to take. Other parts have been like shortcuts that have been rough to go through, but enabled me to go the right way more quickly than another route.
Now I find myself stuck, as if I've encountered dense fog that blocks my vision. I know I'm on the right path, but I don't know what to do next.
I misinterpreted this as silence, but after a conversation with my wise sister yesterday I now recognise that i need to wait. I have to carry on doing what I know to be right with my baby ... And then wait.
I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I don't need to know. I just need to know that this the right thing to do.

As you could probably guess from my last post I had reached a point where I can go no further. There was nothing else I could do. I saw my Perrin practitioner (for my health). Whilst she gave me a much needed massage I poured out my worries and cried all my tears out, she told me that I had to 'give it up'. Don't do any more research, and focus that attention on myself. She also recommended a nutritionist who specialises in these conditions and said I should let someone who knows take over. It all made a lot of sense to me, yet I didn't feel excited as I usually do when I think I've found a solution. I mulled over it for a day or so, and couldn't fathom why I didn't feel anything. I still don't know why. I don't feel like this is the next step for us, although I would love to 'give it up' to someone who knows.

I am going to 'give it up' though. I'm going to stop researching and trying to find solutions, for now. I'm going to carry on the low allergen diet for myself and baby. I'm going to continue giving him a low dose of omeprazole. I shall continue to ease his pain and help him sleep in anyway that is possible. But I will no longer spend hours researching and stressing about what I can do. I will wait to see what my next step is. I will 'give it up' to someone who knows .. The Lord.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Struggling to put the puzzle together.

You know what? I'm tired! I'm tired of having to do this by myself. I'm tired of spending my waking hours trying to work out how to ease my baby's pain. I'm tired of eating a restricted diet for it not to solve all the problem. I'm tired of endless trips to medical appointments and me having to tell them what the next step is. I want someone to tell me what the problem is and how I can help him. I'm tired of trying to give him a milk that tastes like poo. I don't blame him for not wanting it. I'm tired of the relentless sleepless nights. I'm tired.
I want to give up. I want to say 'I've done my best, I've tried, I'm stuck now.'

But I can't. If I don't, who will? We've got to be nearly there. We've figured out he has allergies/intolerances. What's the last piece to the puzzle?

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Neocate update : eww

I greatly underestimated the awful taste of Neocate. Yuk, it tastes like rotten sprouts! Like a good mum I took a sip first .... And have refused to ever put it in my mouth again. Unfortunately, that's the only option for my son, other than breast milk. He was willing to try it, he thought the bottle was a novelty, but refused any further sips. I sneakily put it in his 4 grain cereal this morning. Yesterday he wolfed down the cereal that I made with cool boiled water, today he took one mouthful then refused anymore. I cleaned out the bowl and made a fresh batch just with water, which he refused to open his mouth for.
Oh dear! Think we might have a struggle on our hands. I've done more searching and discovered that dieticians and doctors have suggested to other mums to use strawberry nesquik to try and disguise the taste, so I'm definitely giving that a go. But can it disguise the awful taste? Do strawberries taste nice with sprouts?
I remember once, somebody on Facebook made a negative comment on another mum they'd seen at a playgroup who let their child drink chocolate milk from a bottle. I'm only a second time mum, but I think nothing now of doing things other mums would look down on me for. I'd let him drink strawberry milk forever if it meant he'd be fully cured! Since my son's reactions to food have gone, he has become more settled. He can go two hours without waking now and even slept on his front at one point last night. His skin has cleared up nicely and the doctor remarked on how his stomach felt more settled and less bloated. He's pooed everyday and is VERY rarely sick. If we could just crack the silent reflux then I think his sleep would not be disturbed. Neocate might be the answer.

On another note, I took my toddler to his first hearing test yesterday. He has no problems with his hearing, but the health visitor wanted to rule it out as he doesn't say quite a few sounds when he talks. It was lovely to spend some on on one time with him. It doesn't happen often now, but it wasn't that long ago when it used to be just me and him when daddy was at work. I absolutely love his company. He's great fun to be around and well behaved. The health visitor asked if we were going to take him to nursery early, but I just can't bear to part with him till I have to. He's kept my sanity these past few months!

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Feeding baby: time for a change?

In my purse I have a prescription for a formula that will be suitable for my multiple food protein intolerant baby. It's called Neocate and to buy it without prescription it costs £30-40 per 400g tin. Not a lot of GP's will prescribe it due to the cost, and I was prepared to go into my GP with my guns blazing in order to get this prescription for my baby. As it turned out, no guns were needed. My GP wrote the prescription without batting an eyelid and told me how to order repeat prescriptions if this is successful. What a blessing!

So now I have the prescription and the daunting task of making the transition lies ahead. I wanted the formula because although we've seen improvements since I've gone dairy, wheat, egg, nut, fish, tomato, citrus fruit free, my baby is still unsettled in his sleep and still has silent reflux. His diet is so basic that it can't be a reaction to his diet, so it must be mine. My health has deteriorated too, and breast feeding is taxing on my energies. I could really do without this added drain on my health as well as the freedom to allow other people to care for my baby.
Now I've got the formula all my hesitations are surfacing. I will miss feeding him. It's been a wonderful bonding time for us both and I have enjoyed the closeness very much. I worry that it will distress my baby, but I plan on making the change gradually so as not to distress him too much. And then there's the apparently awful taste of the stuff. I'm not quite sure how I'm going tackle that one!

My dream is to have a happy and content baby that sleeps well (for his sake as well as my own). Maybe the fire of my hope that we'll get there isn't burning bright right now, but it is still there flickering, gaining strength as we jump each hurdle.