A precious moment

I lay in bed last night with two very poorly boys finally asleep next to me. My body was very heavy and tingled with pain and I knew it was unlikely that I'd get the rest I needed to recover. As per usual when trying to get to sleep my thoughts wandered. In 8 months I have sacrificed all my time, my health, my sleep .. And oft times, my sanity to my children. I have turned down nights out and day trips to conserve energy so I can look after my boys. Time to myself used to be a necessity, but now it's a luxury that I doubt I'll be able to enjoy for some time yet.
There have been moments when I have begrudged my boys this time, but last night wasn't one of them. Maybe it was because I had my eldest with me and that is a very rare occurrence at night time, but it enabled me to see that this time I have with them won't last forever. Already my two year old is becoming more and more independent. It brings me a lot of happiness seeing him wave me good bye as he heads off to nursery without me. It doesn't seem two minutes since he was at the stage my eight month old is now, where he cries if he can't see me, and now I'm uncool when he's with his friends. One day they'll serve missions, go off to university, get married and have their own kids. Thinking that one day they won't need me anymore I gave them both a sleepy kiss and cuddle, and felt grateful they needed me then.

Desperate times call for desperate measures

After the last attempt at doing a restrictive diet I said that it would take a lot for me to be able to succeed at limiting my diet. I was sure I wasn't going to attempt it again, it was too much hard work. I needed comfort food to help me cope with life.
Well, times have got desperate and it appears that a diet free from dairy, soya and gluten is the only option to improve my deteriorating health and a last ditch attempt to help my baby before they dose him up on all sorts of medicines as just going dairy free hasn't shown significant improvements. In my book, that's motivation enough to try it again.

The key this time is that I'm going to be organised. Before I begin I will not only have meal plans for at least two weeks (aiming for a month) but I will plan what snacks I can have and what breakfast and lunch options there are. Preparation is essential for success!

I'll make sure to post my menu's, and foods that I can eat, so that others who are attempting something similar can refer to it.

A valentines gift to my partner in crime!

Like every other big event since we've had our second baby, valentines day has snuck upon us and we are completely unprepared. Seeing all the gifts that others have bought their loved ones, or hearing about what they've done for each other did make me feel a pang of guilt.
Well, Stan, I may not be able to make you a cooked breakfast, heart shaped cookies and treat you to a slap up meal. But I do love you and these are the reasons why:
• I love that you don't expect anything of me, you love who I am and who I'm not and let me know it often.
• I love that you adore and love our boys and find everything they do amazing.
• I love how generous you are with us and those around us.
• I love the random comments or words that you say that come out of the blue and make me laugh from right down deep.
• I love it when I feel down or worried you really listen to me and help me see things clearer. Even if it may seem silly to you you never make me feel silly.
• I love that you go to work every day to support us financially.
• I love how on most days you order me to not do anything in the house because you can do it when you get home from work. (I don't like that I can't do these things, but like that you're never bothered that I can't),
• I love how you take everything in your stride. You just deal with whatever life throws at you and you never lose faith.
• I love that you always put family first.
• I love that you enjoy our company as much as we enjoy yours.
• I love the tricks and surprises you play on me and the kids!
• I love how handsome you are.
• I love how determined you are and how you take pride in everything that you do.
• I love how loyal you are to family, friends, people you serve in the church.
• I love that you value education and progression and really care about our kids and the youth.
• I love that you genuinely care about anyone you know.
• I love that after nearly 4 years of being married to you I still love you as much, and even more than I did when we got married.

Happy valentines day to my wonderful husband!

My 3 steps to happiness

I was shocked to read on a GORD (gastro-oesophageal reflux disease) forum that the majority of mums on there are on antidepressants to help them cope. It shocked me because I realised that could very well be me. Many M.E sufferers experience depression too. I've got double the chance.

Ive never suffered from depression, for which i feel truly grateful, it is a horrible illness. There has, however, been so many times that I have felt despair at the situation I found myself in. So many times I cried and found it difficult to put things into perspective. There have been numerous occasions since becoming poorly with M.E that I have fought a battle with myself to be positive, happy and hopeful when I wanted to feel anger, hurt and self pity. Each time I have experienced that pull downwards I would literally drag myself up emotionally by the power of my choices.
The first step in winning the battle was to make the choice to want to be happy.
Once I made that choice I would turn to my Saviour. Like it says in Helaman 5:12 (Book of Mormon)
it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.
I knew then that with my Saviours help there was no way I could be pulled down to the depths of misery unless I wanted to go.
The last step was to enlist the help of my family. I needed their support physically to help me do the things I struggled to do myself, patience to bear with my emotions as i tried to gain control over them and encouragement to ensure me that i could win the battle
It's a hard battle to win and the fact I find myself still fighting it at times means its not over, but I know I can win!

Feeling the chill

Due to the extremely chilly temperatures we've been having in the UK recently (chilly for what we're used to anyway) my ME has come back with a vengeance. I noticed one morning that I was incredibly sore, nauseous and very heavy and couldn't fathom why. We'd had an easy day the day before, and I'd been in bed since 9pm the night before (not sleeping all that time, baby took care of that!). It wasn't till I looked at the thick frost outside that I realised the cold was the culprit. Needless to say we cranked up the heating and I've been mostly wearing my pj's with hoodies.
Its not a bother to me like it used to be, but it does get slightly concerning when I can feel my body slowly stopping as I do things, I wonder how long I've got till it stops moving, but fortunately we've not reached that point yet.
We went to the park the other afternoon, only for 20 minutes, but it was enough to render me useless that evening. I'm so blessed to have a husband who paced and paced the floor with baby that night while I lay in bed.
It might be debilitating, but this cold weather is a great excuse for cozy, lazy days, watching films and watching the kids play.

Dairy free update

My name is Jenny and I've been dairy free for 5 days.

It's actually going really well. I haven't found it difficult and the motivation that it might actually help my baby is spurring me on. So far we've noticed that the bloating in his stomach has lessened, he's pooed more, and has slept for longer periods at night. All very positive. On the downside, he has become even more clingy and irritable, harder to get to sleep amongst other symptoms (all the usual arching, coughing, wheezing, face rubbing etc). The hard part is trying to figure out what on earth is causing him to be worse in some things. Is it a reaction to the new food I'm weaning him on? Is it teething? I'm flummoxed!
The plan now is to go back to the 'safe' foods I know he can tolerate. So far this is plain 4 grain cereal and butternut squash. Someone gave me a traffic light system to introducing new foods, so I'll now follow this:

GREEN - Courgette, melon, parsnip, pear, pumpkin, squash, swede.
AMBER - Avocado, blueberry, broccoli, banana, carrot, cabbage, cauliflower, leek, mango, peach, pepper, spinach, sweet potato.
RED - apple, Blackberry, citrus fruits, onion, pineapple, raspberry, strawberry.

A good idea, in my opinion, is that every baby born should come with a detailed manual. It would come in very handy!