I lay in bed last night with two very poorly boys finally asleep next to me. My body was very heavy and tingled with pain and I knew it was unlikely that I'd get the rest I needed to recover. As per usual when trying to get to sleep my thoughts wandered. In 8 months I have sacrificed all my time, my health, my sleep .. And oft times, my sanity to my children. I have turned down nights out and day trips to conserve energy so I can look after my boys. Time to myself used to be a necessity, but now it's a luxury that I doubt I'll be able to enjoy for some time yet.
There have been moments when I have begrudged my boys this time, but last night wasn't one of them. Maybe it was because I had my eldest with me and that is a very rare occurrence at night time, but it enabled me to see that this time I have with them won't last forever. Already my two year old is becoming more and more independent. It brings me a lot of happiness seeing him wave me good bye as he heads off to nursery without me. It doesn't seem two minutes since he was at the stage my eight month old is now, where he cries if he can't see me, and now I'm uncool when he's with his friends. One day they'll serve missions, go off to university, get married and have their own kids. Thinking that one day they won't need me anymore I gave them both a sleepy kiss and cuddle, and felt grateful they needed me then.